Wow. It's been a minute since I have brought my thoughts to the page here. Since the last time I wrote, basically every aspect of my life has experienced major shifts. In the past couple months I have been waking up. I have been calm, I have been lost, I have been content, and I have been really fucking scared. The months have faded together and time has been of the essence.
Since July, I have basically been reworking so many things that have been instilled in me. I woke up to the fact that I have been having an illusive experience with someone I thought I could always call my closest confidant. I woke up to the fact that this person has been using their power against me since I was child and that I have based so many things I believe in around this imaginary world they trapped me in. I accepted that so many of the conflicting decisions and confusion of who I am, how I got here, and where I am going have been completely controlled by one person who I trusted with everything. I gifted them my innocence in exchange for a long-term abusive relationship. It's fucking terrifying; it is hard to understand, hard to manage my emotions, and hard to accept. All the illusions of my past, I now have to view through a different lens and the growing is really painful. I write a little every day, some days it feels amazing and others I cry my eyes out and sit in the crippling pain. I feel as though the main thing I am yearning for is my voice to be heard- but even typing the words needed to be heard for public consumption is out of reach right now. Personally, I am still realizing my role in this, sorting through the ways in which it has led me to think, act, behave, and treat others... I am exploring the ways in which I can turn this completely life altering experience into something that makes me a stronger woman. I want to do it confidently, safely, and I want to be 100% real when I do gain the courage to tell my story. #metoo I don't mean to be so cryptic, but in this pursuit of honesty, I can't release full throttle until the timing is right. I am scared of the process but so thankful for those close to me, that help me on this path everyday. If you're reading this and relate to my vagueness, please know I am here to listen to you. Your story is valid and you matter-- something my powerhouse of support constantly reminds me. I am an open ear. I believe you. And I extend my hand to you as you navigate your own daunting truth. The path to regaining power and finding justice in abuse is my newest form of fashion and I stand with you everyday-- I can't wait to find happiness somewhere over the rainbow.
Besides being in the midst of a global pandemic, election year, realizing my abuse, and pushing through my hardest year of school, life has been good. I have relished in the pause, I have been tied to one place, I have dedicated this passion and pain towards my art, and I have been dancing those feelings. I use my movement to inform everything around me, as movement does not lie, it just leads us deeper into consciousness of the mind in body. I have felt extremely content with the change of pace and feel this summer of rest was exactly what I needed, but would have never done for myself if the world hadn't put a pause on "normal life". I am grateful for the interwebs keeping me connected to my friends all over the globe and also the distancing that has helped me refine my close circle in positive ways. All of this darkness illuminates light so much more and as far as I am concerned, any area (person, place, thing) of my life that doesn't shine in this darkness belongs in the past. This is my reminder to you that you govern your own existence and now is the time to purge the things that no longer serve you. This time is about education, intuition, and passion. Start with yourself then apply it to the world around you. We are in the middle of big magic.... and with big magic comes a little of everything: misery, excitement, loss, growth. Growth really fucking hurts, don't doubt that for a second.
It feels good to explain my status. It is amazing to come back to these posts and realize the loss and the growth-- realize that everything is temporary but everything is valid. I feel strong and full of courage. I feel more me than I ever have, yet some days, I don't even know who "me" is yet.
I believe in miracles. Onward.