Hi friends. Phew, here I am on the other side of midterms, somehow mustering up the excitement to write this post. I wrote 5 papers this weekend and graded around 500. It's been a lot of laying in bed, cuddling sweet Ami, and working all hours of the day. But hey, working from bed can spoil a girl. Since being home from my summer adventures, I have felt pretty territorial, really enjoying my space, reclaiming it for myself, trying to declutter my life and apartment as much as possible, and enjoying slow life of full time studentry (what a made-up word, 10 points). I find when I am not immersed in about 4 things at once, I get nervous. I am definitely catching the sense that I am a workaholic who has a hard time focusing. It's dichotomous and hard to deal with as we know how much I believe in the importance of attention. While I'm a workaholic, I'm also a social butterfly. I could talk and hang out with my friends or complete strangers every hour of the day and not feel exhausted from that. So, this fall, I've been aware and trying to harness some kind of balance. My list goes something like this:
-Being on my phone (let's be honest, it's the main attention stealer)
-Travel vs. Being home
-Spending vs. Saving money
Sometimes I balance these well, and sometimes it feels like there is no balance anywhere, and I get nervous. I've always had glimpses of anxiety, as we all do, but I am usually a constant state of flow person. I find when I have a good balance on most of these things, my nerves stay pretty calm and the flow is natural. Lately, I've felt a little disrupted. I don't want to say it's a bad thing, but, I could definitely do without, haha. What I do know is that it is okay to feel this way. I've been studying a lot of wisdom from one of my biggest spiritual inspirations, Gabrielle Roth. This week, reading and comprehending her outlook on "archetypes" Mother, Mistress, Madonna, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Understanding these and watching how they integrate into my psyche has been helping a lot with anxiety.
Flash into the moment, those breakdown moments where if you're like me, you let the water works flow. I may be crying, quivering jaw, feeling like I am failing at basically everything, some realllllll power coming out of my emotions, the "Mistress" shows her power, and boy do I have that inside me. I try to understand the skill is to feel and let flee. Let it loose, let it go. It's a huge reason I am thankful to live these years of my mid-twenties in a little studio apartment by myself. I need to do this. I need to fucking feel. Sometimes loudly. Always unapologetically. Sometimes feeling terrible feels the most real, numbing and scary, but real. Of course, I have Big Mama Ama, my old woman chunky cat who is clairvoyant and in my mind, hosts personalities of entities we can't really contact with (call me crazy, but I can tell you this in detail if you ask, haha). She is wise and grounding, I am always thankful for her, often she is the "mother" archetype I need when I am feeling nervous. She will cuddle me and purr and give me a sense of being needed.
The reason I am so on this topic, is I have been having a lot of those emotional moments. Yesterday it really hit me. Maybe it's my moon phase lady probs, the changing of the seasons, and day to day life problems that can feel way more dramatic some than others. I don't know, I'm rambling, but my point is, I've been bein' nervous. My anxiety has been up and I am trying to manage it.
My suggestion to myself, and you for a "less-nervous" day:
Start the day with silence. Do not fall into a routine, let each day be new and exciting. But always wash your face and meditate.
Find a way to be active. Lately, I have been practicing the "5rythms". It's been a super personal as I am a beginner student (I'll stay a beginner forever) but, something that I can't wait to share more of after I am a little experienced. Movement is the method. It's freeing and reveals our inner most feelings. It's a way to release anger and express happiness. It is everything. I never wake up expecting a certain yoga practice or dance routine, I let me body guide and fall into some sort of movement; slow, fast, big, small, long, short. Whatever. Everyday needs something new.
Choose clothes that make you feel yourself. Reminder, yourself one day can be a total stranger to yourself the next. Own that. Dress comfy, dress loud, dress professional, dress silly... Feel it and rock it. It helps in tackling the day in confidence.
DO NOT check social media until a certain time. I usually wake around 8am so I try to set a strict rule to not dive into Instagram until after 9am.
Realize goals for the day but do not be destination oriented. Do not attach to exactly how you think the day should go, just realize things you must get done and let the flow guide you.
Breath and take stillness whenever needed. Naps can help reset too. Blindfold your eyes and rest in complete darkness. Somedays are just too forceful. Wake up from that nap and talk to a friend. Friend's are my best medicine, I love you all.
I've had a really rocky week and I think it's because I let school pull me away from healthy routines. Waking up and feeling so bound to WORK WORK WORK, my physical and emotional self has felt unfulfilled. It's hard to remember the importance of balancing all of the archetypes. It's like some of them run away for vacation without any warning. WTF? Don't they know that having a balance of all of their presence in these situations minimizes the nervous.
Today I woke up in NYC. Following all my stress of school, I realized on Monday (it's Wednesday) I had not really planned much for this trip at all. Just had my plane ticket. My stay accommodations fell through last minute, I felt hard stress from money, guilt for leaving my kitty, and the world of nervous slapping me in the face. I almost skipped the trip all together. It's the first time I've experienced really bad travel anxiety, as I usually use travel as a freeing outlet. It took a lot of pacing around my apartment, some tears, and phone calls with my mom to set my mind straight and take control of my journey.
I decided that I should use a principle from my Burn guide and go for Radical Self Reliance. Find a place to stay, and do what I do best- take on the city solo. I get to catch up with many friends here and I am so excited, but when it comes down to it, the only person I need to depend on is myself.
So I'm here. Staying in a shared space AirBnB next to Central Park. It's my first time in a shared room BnB with total strangers, but of course it's exciting and my thrill of meeting new people is fulfilled. This place is a gem I will keep returning to, any time I am in the city.
It feels awesome to write about bein' nervous. The logical part of me comes out that breaks down how to feel better. Brain, hands, and heart work together and I usually produce a plan that seems obvious. I usually do it privately and sporadically in my journal, but I feel it's important to be real and share this with y'all. 1. because I know some of you go through it too and 2. This blog is about the real me, and I wanna look back to understand where I have been. If you relate and want to talk, talk to me. I love hearing feedback and trying to help in anyway I can. We're all going through it together. It's nice to know you're not alone and I hope, just like my efforts to shut down the anxiety and board a plane to NYC with very shaky plans, I can inspire you to put the nervousness about the destination away and show you that enjoying the ride is what it's all about. Let's keep practicing this together.